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Editors are wonderful, aren't they?
Well, I had a pretty terrific project editor, but unfortunately
some wonderful things were omitted from Ferrets For Dummies.
Some was omitted due to space limitations, others were just
accidentally missed. And still, some text was purposely excluded
due to undetermined copyright. It's all too good to not include
somewhere, so here it is - For your viewing pleasure!
Oh, and one important note: David
Schilling was our photographer for Ferrets for Dummies
- How could they forget that??
Introduction
Ferret Bill of Rights
Ferret Ten Commandments
Kim's Sure Signs
Definitions
The Meaning of Rescue
The Rainbow Bridge
My "Original"
Introduction:
Numerous people have told me that a
true love for animals may be genetically predisposed. Maybe this
is true. Or maybe some animals just tug at our heartstrings a
little harder than others do. I believe both statements to be
the case for me. While it may be termed genetics by the
white-coated scientists in the sterile laboratories, I prefer
to call what was passed on to me a blessing. I also knew the
moment my eyes locked onto those of a bouncing, chattering
ferret that I'd been hooked by something mysteriously
fascinating. The rest is history.
"No," my then-fiancée‚
David adamantly declared. "You cannot have one."
I felt the all-too-familiar defiant
opposition well up inside of me. I heard my mother's voice
inside my head. We animal lovers know this voice well. It goes
something like this: "When you get a house of your own...
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." After a thousand times
we all stopped listening after the first part anyway, right?
So here I was, an adult in my own home, and once again someone
else was setting my limits for me. So I did the only thing I
could do. I obeyed the soon-to-be self-declared ruler of the
household and I didn't go out and get one. I got three. Three
beautiful, little shelter ferrets named Oscar, Simon and
Scooter. Of course, I then pleaded insanity and blamed it on
my genes.
I felt quite privileged to bring my
little boys home! I had never known a ferret owner until I met
my friend Rita. She was eager to introduce me to Norm and Mary
Stilson and the rest of the wonderful people at the Greater
Chicago Ferret Association. Rita was my ticket into this
modest group of caregivers who spent their entire free time
caring for abandoned, sick and injured ferrets. One had to go
through quite a rigorous adoption screening before bringing home
one of their ferrets. And to foster one, they really had to know
you. I must have made a positive impression on them, as I walked
out with my first "business" of ferrets, all foster
ferrets. "Fostering" simply meant that I was now mom
to special ferrets that were otherwise unadoptable due to
health or age. The shelter still assumed responsibility for all
medical costs incurred and also had final say in any decisions
regarding the foster ferrets. Many foster ferrets are old and
have little time left on this earth. Others may require daily
medication or may have conditions that will eventually result
in the ferret needing medication. I didn't care what was wrong
with my guys as long as I could properly care for them and love
them until they passed on to the great playground above.
Oscar was a playful little boy with
a mild case of insulinoma. I didn't notice him immediately as
he peered inquisitively out from under the tee shirts that made
up his bed. His eyes were bright pink, and I knew immediately
that his coat would be snow white before I even lifted him out
of the cage. The cage card said he was an unclaimed stray of
about 3 years old. I held Oscar up, his nose to mine, and
received my very first series of ferret kisses. It was not a
difficult decision to take this baby home with me. I had
accomplished the task I had set out to do... or so I thought.
Or perhaps it was the strategic plan of a seasoned veteran.
I had only ferrets, ferrets and more ferrets to look at as
Norm took his sweet time preparing the paperwork for Oscar's
long awaited departure home. As he was shuffling through files
and mounds of paperwork, I was falling in love once again. It's
not hard to do with ferrets. There they were. Three old boys
piled in a heap. The card stated some generic, over-used reason
for give-up like "moving to a no-pet apartment" or
"can't care for anymore" or "no time".
One look at the ages of Sammy, Simon and Scooter and most
seasoned shelter workers could tell the previous owners just
simply didn't want to take on the responsibility of keeping
geriatric ferrets. I was happy to hear that Sammy, 6 years old
and the oldest of the bunch, already had a new foster family
coming to pick him up. His medication needs were extensive and
he required hand feedings three times a day. My schedule did
not make me a good foster home candidate for him. But Scooter,
a four-year-old orangey colored sable, and Simon, a five-year
-old siamese, would make excellent playmates for Oscar, I
decided. After all, if one is good, then three must be
better! I thanked my newly found ferret friends and left their
humble storefront shelter. My brain was crammed with bits
and pieces of "everything you always wanted to know about
ferrets, but were afraid to ask" type of information,
along with the practical details of how to care for my special
family.
It didn't take David long to fall in
love with our new family members. Within six months I added
three more fuzzballs as my own shelter Animals for Awareness
took off. It was easy to sneak them in after that! During
playtime I would only allow certain ones out and switch them
when David wasn't looking. One day a volunteer was in charge
of playtime and she absentmindedly let out two albinos at one
time, even though we technically only had one albino in my
husband's eyes. At first David didn't notice as Oscar and
Jasper dashed about on opposite sides of the kitchen. He
figured it was the same ferret just covering quite a bit
of ground as ferrets so often do. But then he saw the two
"white ones" (as he called them) together. It was
at that moment the Almighty Ruler threw his hands in the air
and surrendered to my genetic flaw. I did compromise,
however, as I have always managed to limit myself to 30
ferrets or less thus far. He finds that fact unamusing, to
say the least.
Each one of my ferrets has provided
me with much happiness and joy over the years. While all of
them, young and old, share in common the ability to make me
break out in laughter with their habitual silliness, each one
is a unique little fuzzball. They continuously amaze me with
their intelligence and social play. It saddens me to see ferret
shelters such as the Greater Chicago Ferret Association
filled to capacity with ferrets of every age. It angers me to
hear the stories of serious abuse and neglect some of these
poor animals suffered before being rescued. It's truly
astonishing to watch these same animals fight with everything
they have to survive devastating illnesses or injuries, only to
turn around and trustingly kiss the nose of a human. And it's
most disheartening to see the older ferrets in a shelter cage.
It hurts to think that after being a loving part of a family
for 3-6 years, they would be discarded as being an
inconvenience. The cage card indicating reason for give-up
almost always states something like "new baby" or
"moving" or "don't have time" or my
favorite "stinks up the house".
A well cared for ferret, like most
pets, can in most cases be safely introduced to baby under
close supervision. Ferrets are small and their cages generally
compact and, if neither ferret nor cage are nailed to the
ground, travel quite nicely (we really recommend not nailing
down either). Ferrets are not children. While they may enjoy
being treated as well as your children and require as much
stimulation, they don’t require endless hours of
supervised activity. As long as you give them some love and
playtime every day, they will be happy the rest of the time
amusing themselves or sleeping. Ferrets cannot change their
own litter pans or hop in the shower. Ferrets are musky
critters and common sense mandates that anything alive will
stink even more than it normally does if not properly cared
for.
Enjoy the book as it was meant to be
enjoyed. New things are learned every day about ferrets. And the
best teachers are our ferrets themselves. Don’t be afraid
to ask questions from the "experts" out there.
It’s well worth the time and it makes ferret parentdom a
much more pleasant experience. Besides, asking is the only way
we learn.
Do not be concerned by the word
"Dummies" in my book's title, because you most
definitely are not a Dummy! You’re one of thousands
and thousands out there who either already owns a ferret(s)
or has a nagging child or spouse or both whining daily to
have a ferret. Perhaps you’re one of those lucky ones
who had a poor ferret "dumped" on you through no
fault of your own. Or maybe you simply had your emotions
kidnapped by a ferret you just happened to see doing what
it does best; being a ferret. Whatever the case may be, hold
onto your hat ‘cuz you’re in for the thrill of a
lifetime!
Ferrets are fun and mischievous. There
are no two alike!!! They are cunning looters. They can steal your
heart as well as break your heart. Like potato chips, but less
fattening, you can’t have just one. They come in all sorts
of colors and sizes. Ferrets can get into the littlest cracks
and holes, both in your home and in your soul. They are bound
to make you break out in uncontrollable laughter at least once
a day. They steal any chance they can to dance and dook and
chatter about. And when they’re all through amazing you
with their antics, most love nothing more than to curl up
somewhere warm with their person and snooze the rest of the day
away.
Sounds like the perfect pet? Not
necessarily. I personally have found ferrets to be extremely
rewarding in my life, and thousands and thousands of ferret people
agree. As a shelter director my motto is always "Not all
animals make good pets for people and not all people make good
parents for pets." No two households, people or lifestyles
are the same. Ferrets can be quite challenging at times. Every
one is a unique character. There’s a lot to know and a lot
of responsibility that comes with being owned by a ferret. Pet
ownership is never to be taken lightly. Hopefully, by reading
this book you will gain better insight into what’s required
of you. You will hopefully make the right choice for your
lifestyle. Having a ferret in your life should be fun, not
a chore to be greeted with a heavy sigh. There should be an
understood lifetime commitment when the decision is made to
bring any pet into the home. And when the right pet is chosen,
the rewards are immeasurable!
I was very fortunate to be given the
opportunity to write a book on these amazing creatures. And by
writing it, I learned so much more about the creatures I love.
This book is meant to offer real, yet humorous insight into the
personalities and behaviors of ferrets and the people who love
them. At the same time, I hope this book will offer practical
health and medical information to veterinarians and other
caregivers. Ferrets are so often neglected or abused or abandoned
due to outdated myths and misconceptions. Only through thoughtful
education may it be possible to break through these barriers so
that everyone who has the love in their hearts can appreciate and
live happily with ferrets. Enjoy!
Kim Schilling
And the Amazing Business of Ferrets
The following 3 items are text pieces
that were supposed to be on the yellow pull-out card in the very
front of the book. My editor took pieces from the book to make
up the current reference card. It appears as though the
"real" reference card text was lost in the confusion:
Ferret
Bill of Rights
Bob Church
1. The ferret has the right to life. In those instances
where euthanasia is seen as the only moral and ethical
option, then it is to be performed with dignity and
compassion and in a painless manner.
2. The ferret has the right to professional veterinary
care and treatment, as well as medical treatments that
prevent disease such as heartworm, rabies and distemper,
among others.
3. The ferret has the right to clean water and nutritious
food, presented in a sanitary manner.
4. The ferret has the right to live in a clean and
stimulating environment commensurate to its intelligence
and curiosity.
5. The ferret has the right to positive physical contact
with people and other ferrets.
6. The ferret has the right to daily exercise and to
explore its environment.
7. The ferret has the right to be a ferret, not a dog
nor a cat.
8. The ferret has the right to live in a secure and
stress-free environment, which includes places to hide
when sleeping.
9. The ferret has the right to be bred in a safe, moral
and ethical manner, with the assurance offspring from
such breeding will also be treated ethically and morally.
10. The ferret has the right to defend itself when
afraid, without fear of judgement or reprisal.
The
Ferret Ten Commandments
Author Unknown
1. Thou shalt covet all corners. Thou
shalt not use kitty litter, for it is a heathen CAT thing, and
thusly, thou shalt scatter the heathen thing everywhere.
2. Thou shalt bite thy brethren. Thou shalt lick thy humans,
except that thou shalt slip in the occasional nip to ensure
that they don’t become complacent.
3. Thou shalt revere milk and ice cream above all things,
except for Linatone, which is heaven sent.
4. Thou shalt despise anything that is labeled "For
Ferrets".
5. Thou shalt climb everything in sight and take the good
stuff.
6. When placed in a cage, or locked in or out of a room, thou
shalt beat loudly upon the door in violent protest.
7. Thou shalt lurk and seek every opportunity.
8. Thou shalt love and honor shoes, socks, and above all else,
toes.
9. Thou shalt expose the roots of all plants. Let none escape
your wrath.
10. Thou shalt hide from sight those things most coveted by
humans, that they never more see the light of day.
Kim’s Sure Signs
of Knowing When You are Officially Owned by a Ferret
- You are talked into writing a book on ferrets.
- You answer people’s questions with screeches and dooks.
- You can never find a pair of matching socks.
- You have play tubes running the perimeter of the inside of your
house.
- Your ferret has its very own bedroom... and it's bigger than
yours.
- You send wallet-size pictures of your ferret to all your
friends every year.
- There's a little pile of poop in every corner of your house.
- You miss an important meeting at work to take your ferret to
the vet.
- You begin to associate only with people who are also owned by
ferrets so that you don't feel abnormal.
- All you want from the divorce settlement is custody of the
ferrets.
- Your ferret has more outfits than you do.
- You do that stupid little airplane trick with the spoon of
Laxatone just to make sure he eats it.
- You check the underside fabric of a couch before buying it.
- Your cats are on Prozac.
- You have a raw spot on the tip of your nose from ferret licks.
- Your screensaver and mouse pad have ferret designs on them.
- Your grocery cart is filled with baby food and you have no
children.
- You buy Nature’s Miracle by the gallon.
- You purchase a larger washer and dryer to accommodate ferret
laundry.
- Every pair of pants you own has a Linatone stain on it.
- You are single handedly supporting the raisin industry.
- Guests say, "What was that?" more than once.
- You find yourself walking around at 2:00 am squeaking a pet toy.
- Over the menu at a fancy restaurant you ask everyone which
"Nummy-Crunchies" they’ll be ordering.
- No matter what you are suffering, true stories of ferret antics
bring a smile to your face.
- Someone asks what scent you’re wearing, and since you
didn’t put one on you automatically reply,
"Natural musk. Very expensive. Given as a gift."
- All you can think about is "I need to get home and let the
fuzzies out," not, "I need to get home and start
dinner."
- You’re frequently running water in the bathtub for the
ferrets to play in.
- All of your remote controls have no buttons.
- You have to push the PAGE button on your cordless phone to
find it.
- All of your houseplants are either hanging or covered with
chicken wire.
- You go through physical withdrawal when you’re away from
your ferrets longer than 6 hours.
***Some of the above "signs"
were sent in by wonderful FML people and acknowledged in the
book.
This was supposed to be an Appendix at
the end of the book, but was deleted due to "lack of
space". I think this was the most disappointing change made.
It's very funny and pokes fun at both ferrets and their humans.
The majority of these definitions came from my own brain or the
brains of Bob Church (*) and Sandy Repper (**)...the rest came
from FML brains as acknowledged in the book. And some definitions
have been around for ages... author unknown.
Definitions Only Ferret Owners Could
Appreciate
A-Bomb* - The act of a ferret
emptying its anal glands.
Ado* - A ferret poopie. (Plural: Much Ado)
Alien Beans* - Unidentified, small dark poopies that show
up in unexpected places.
Anal Attitude* - A ferret that will poof without notice.
Avoid* - What is left after a ferret passes over to Rainbow
Bridge.
Back Peddle - The animated backward dance a ferret often
does. Sometimes done while also scooting an object grasped between
the front paws.
Bean* - A tiny, dried-up poopie.
Bean Counter* - 1) A veterinarian's exam table. 2) A human
that picks up numerous alien beans.
Beast Master* - The alpha male ferret
Black Hole* - Any darkened opening that irresistibly draws
ferrets inside.
Bottom Dwellers - Ferts sleeping on the bottom of the
fuzzy pile.
Brown Slug* - A poopie that is wet and sticky and melts
into your carpet.
Bull Dozing* - When a ferret uses its head to push stuff
off desks and shelves.
Butting* - The use of the rear end in an attempt to push
an opponent over while wrestling.
Butt Out* - When a ferret sticks his butt out over the
litter box and manages to drop his poopie on the floor.
Cache and Carry* - The action of carrying toys to the
hidey-hole.
Cache Flow* - Moving toys from one hidey-hole to another.
Cage Carnage* - When a ferret tears up its cage during Cage
Rage.
Cage Rage* - When a ferret is upset for being placed in a
cage.
Carpet Bomb* - A poopie in the middle of the floor.
Carpet Snorkeling* - When a ferret tunnels under a rug.
Cat Nip - The little warning bite a cat receives to
remind him of the fert's superiority.
Cat Scan* - A ferret looking for felines to torment
and nip.
Cause & Effect - Leaving a ferret shelter with one
more ferret than you had before you went in.
Chillin'* - A ferret shivering to raise its metabolic rate
when waking up.
Chilly Dog* - A shivering ferret.
Cornered* - When a ferret makes a clean corner dirty.
Count Bacula - What Bob Church does in his spare time.
Crammin'* - When several ferrets decide to enter a space
designed for one.
Cruise Control - A ferret leash and harness.
Crying Wolf* - When a ferret screams at another ferret even
though no physical confrontation is taking place.
Curtain Call - The unmistakable shriek made by humans when
it's discovered the fert reached the top of the curtains.
Cute* - Anything a ferret does that would get a dog in
trouble.
Dazed & Confused - 1) What ferret humans are without
their fuzzies. 2) What ferret humans are with their fuzzies.
Delayed Gratification - When a ferret waits patiently for
you to return the freshly cleaned litter box so he can christen
it.
Delight* - What's at the end of de ferret tube.
Denial* - What a ferret owner does prior to obtaining yet
another ferret.
Digamy* - When a ferret is married to the idea of digging
up your carpet.
Dining In* - When a ferret lounges in the food dish while
eating.
Divorce* - Preferable to losing a ferret.
Docket* - What happens when a hob loses his special
purpose.
Doo Hickey* - When you accidentally get poopie on your
neck.
Door Jam - The surprise poopie left at the door. Either
it's stepped in or the door smears it when opened.
Doorman* - A ferret that beats people to the door.
Double Dooker* - A split level cage.
Dr. Do Little - A vet who knows little about ferrets.
Drag Racing - A ferret dragging its butt across the floor
after making a poopie.
Driveby* - When a ferret sneaks up behind you, bites your
leg and quickly disappears.
Edging* - When a ferret poopie lands half on and half off
the newspaper.
Electric Slide - The dance of the angry frizzed out fuzzy!
Exhume* - Digging bits of organic rubble out of the hidey
hole.
Eye Dooker* - A ferret that likes to groom eyebrows.
Far Flung* - A poopie on the wall.
Farf* - Ferret barf.
Farma* - The ferret's state of existence as generated by
their actions. Tied to the ferret's ability to transmigrate to
impossible- to-climb locations.
Faux Poo* - A ferret faking it in the litter box to get a
treat.
Fergot It - Your emotional position regarding any object
that's been claimed by a fert.
Ferget It - Any treasure within a fert's reach.
Ferret Juggling - The insane human act of trying to single
handedly manage multiple ferrets at one time.
Ferret Two-Step* - The attempt to not trample a ferret who
insists on getting underfoot while you are carrying large objects
which prevent you from visualizing your path.
Ferretation* - Being visited by ferrets.
Ferretosis - That nasty odor emitted from the mouth of a
fert that has dental problems.
Ferretus Air Jordanus** - Those ferrets that take flying
leaps and land in the middle of the garbage can. Nothing but
garbage!
Ferretus Arrghus** - Those little darlings that decide to
drag out personal items when you have guests.
Ferretus Beggus** - The art form of asking for treats; done
in various positions.
Ferretus Dead Buggus** - A Ferret that suddenly stop what
he's doing and lays on the floor with all four feet up in the
air.
Ferretus Disappearus** - What happens to your fuzzy at bath
time.
Ferretus Dumpus** - The emptying of the food dish onto the
floor. Usually practiced daily.
Ferretus Eeehaaus** - Those crazy ferts that like the wild
rides hanging on to other critters. The 8 second rule DOES apply
here!
Ferretus Excavus** - The digging out of all litter in the
litter box.
Ferretus Flopus** - The well-developed skill of assuming
the flat as a pancake posture.
Ferretus Inhalus** - What happens to raisins or other treats
discovered on the rug.
Ferretus Interruptus** - When a ferret comes in between two
people and ends the conversation.
Ferretus Kissus Upus** - 1) How a ferret talks you into
putting it down to get into more trouble. 2) Talking you out of
another treat.
Ferretus Liberatus** - The one who opens the cage door or
pulls a ferretus out of a tight spot.
Ferretus Pin Ballus** - A ferret doing a happy dance.
Ferretus Poopus** - That which comes out opposite of the
kissy end.
Ferretus Poopus Almostus** - Ferretus poopus beside or over
the edge of the litter box.
Ferretus Poopus Slipus** - When the human steps in the
poopus and goes sliding on the tile.
Ferretus Poopus Squishus** - When the poopie is placed
just right and the human get poopus between the toes.
Ferretus Pretzlus** - The many and varied sleeping
positions ferrets are able to assume. Especially artistic in
groups.
Ferretus Ptooeyus** - The art of spitting out all over the
human the food or medicine the human just put in.
Ferretus Roadrunnerus** - Those fuzzies that can get in the
room faster than you can close the door.
Ferretus Slidus** - What happens when a fuzzy runs out of
rug and hits the tiles.
Ferretus Spacus Warpus** - The art of going in many
different direction at the same time in a blur.
Ferretus Stuporus - That deep, deep almost dead sleep that
ferts routinely scare us with!
Ferretus Twerpus Maxumus** - A ferret that does something it
knows is a big no-no bad ferret, and does so while looking at
you.
Fertified - Having signs that a fert was there (usually a
poopie or pee puddle)
Flagrant Foul - A "love" bite with no warning!
Flash in the Pan* - When a ferret runs from the litter box
to poopie somewhere else.
Flatliner* - A ferret imitating a speedbump.
Floored* - The state an object is in after being
bulldozed.
Foreign Body - A new fuzzy in the fuzzy hammock.
Freckle Face* - A ferret with a spotted or incomplete mask.
Freedom Fighter - The ferret who scouts out your
ferret-proofing imperfections.
Furbonics* - A ferret language dialect.
Fuzzy Reception - What the human is greeted with when coming
home.
Fuzzy Reception Line - The streak the you see out the corner
of your eye when a group of ferrets have joined in a high speed
chase.
Grazing* - A series of lick-lick-chomps.
Hang Ten - A ferret hanging off the side of his cage by his
front feet only.
Head Master* - Person scruffing a ferret.
High & Dry - The goal of a ferret as it races up your
arm during bath time.
Hip Hop - The ferret's quest up the side of your leg.
Hit & Run - When a fuzzy runs up, nips you and dashes
away. Similar to a "Drive-by".
Home Run* - A ferret dashing to the hidey-hole.
Hostile Takeover -When a ferret claims another ferret's
hidey-hole and or treasures.
House Guest* - The ferret caretaker living in the same
dwelling as their ferrets.
Innocent Bystander* - When one ferret is bystanding and gets
nailed by one of the ferrets involved in the brawl.
Itch, The* - The mysterious itch known to wake ferrets from
a deep sleep and force them from their beds to the middle of the
room for a good scratch.
Jailhouse Rock* - When a ferret shakes a carrier or cage in
an attempt to get out.
Jump Start* - When a ferret is dead asleep, suddenly wakes
up and jumps out of bed. Usually associated with The Itch.
Kibbles & Bits - What the human cleans up after a
garbage foraging fert upchucks.
Laptops* - Ferrets that sleep on your lap.
Laptop Pooter* - A Ferret that passes gas while sleeping on
its human's lap.
Last Call - The use of a squeaky toy to call out the elusive
ferrets at end of playtime.
Lip Stick* - When a ferret bites your lip when you expected
a kiss.
Load Zone* - The litter box.
Loco Motion* - Dancing, bumping into things, falling over
and generally looking silly.
Loose Caboose* - A ferret with the runs.
Low Rider - A fat ferret whose belly drags on the ground.
Magic Moment - When the hyper fert finally collapses in a
sound sleep.
Mind Over Matter -The ferret human contemplating cleaning
up all the fuzzy mess.
Mopping the Floor* - When one ferret drags another around
by the neck.
Moustache Mowing* - A ferret plowing through facial hair.
Much Ado* - Most corners when ferrets are in residence.
Mud Raking* - Removing the sludge from the bottom of the
litter box.
Ne'er Do Well* - A ferret with a blockage.
Ne'er Doo Well* - A ferret that never hits the litter
box.
Nip and Yip* - The warning bark and bite of a cranky
ferret.
No* - A word without meaning in Ferretese.
Nonobadferret - A common ferret nickname.
Nose Trails* - The cold tracks left by a
ferret sniffing your leg.
Off the Deep End* - When a ferret backs into a corner on
the top part of the cage and poopie shoots out to the floor outside
the cage.
Oopsie Poopsie* - When a ferret poops in the sink during
a bath.
Over and Out - What happens to a ferret when it encounters
an inadequate barrier.
Petal Pusher - A fuzzy that tears up the house plants or
garden.
Pickup Line* - Occurs when you pick up a poopie and several
ferrets queue up to see exactly what you're doing and how they can
help.
Piddle Puddle* - Ferret urine on a non-absorptive surface.
Piddle Pusher* - A ferret that walks through urine.
Piddly Squat - The position used to pee.
Poop Deck* - The area around the litter box that attracts
the misses.
Poop Stick* - A device used to knock fossilized poop from
the cage screening.
Poopie Pokin'* - Looking for alien objects in poopie.
Procrastinate* - What ferret owners do instead of picking
up poopie.
Pulling Strings - 1) When a ferret insists on trying to
untie your shoes. 2) Stealing a shoe using the laces to tow it.
Pushing Jello - Trying to prevent the natural outward flow
of ferrets whose cage door has been opened.
Pushing Up Daisies - What happens when a ferret encounters
a live potted plant.
Quantitative Analysis* - The attempt to count ferrets while
they are running around the room.
Roll Playing* - When one ferret latches onto another ferret's
neck and spins like an alligator.
Romp & Circumstance - The correlation between the type
of ferret dance performed and the current mood he's in.
Rotator Cuff - The fert who decides to do the alligator roll
with your shirt sleeve or pant leg.
Rug Burn* - The brown spot left on the carpet after a Wipe
Out.
Sad Sack* - When holes have been chewed in a sleeping bag.
Sanctum Ferretorium* - A hidey-hole for ferrets.
Scat Chat* - Discussing a ferret's poopies with others.
Shootin' the Breeze - Ferrets passing gas or emptying their
anal glands.
Snot Funny* - When a ferret snorkels in your nose.
Sock Hop* - The jumping motion made while escaping with a
sock.
Spackle - Ferret poopie on the wall.
Speedbump - The ability of a ferret to suddenly collapse
motionlessly and remaining in that position for several seconds
before returning to normal hyperactivity.
Speed Limit - A ferret on cruise control.
Spin Dry* - The dance done by ferrets after a bath.
Split Pee* - When a ferret leaves two wet spots on the carpet
in a single potty.
Stamped* - When a ferret leaves a nose print on your
glasses.
Stop Sign* - A tap on the nose to stop biting.
Streak, The - 1) A bald ferret in action.
2) What you see out of the corner of your eye as a ferret flies
by.
Streaking - What bald ferrets do when they're dashing across
the room.
Target Practice - What ferrets are really doing when they
"accidentally" miss the litter box.
Team Player - The fert that distracts while another fert
steals the unguarded box of raisins.
Tear Jerker* - What happens to your nose should you move
when a ferret clamps on.
Throwing Stones - 1) A fuzzy digging out all the litter in
the litter box. 2) The fert catapulting the ferret-proof rocks out
of your floor plant.
Thumb Nail* - A bite on the thumb.
Tight Lipped - What humans are when ferts try to get the
food out of their mouth.
Toe Hold* - When a ferret attempts to drag you under the
couch by you toes.
Toe Jelly* - Poopie between your toes.
Underfoot* - 1) The location of a ferret as you step over
a ferret barrier. 2) The location of a poopie discovered at night.
Under Where?* - The game of looking for a specific ferret.
Unmasked* - When a ferret loses its mask while in its winter
coat.
Untimely Passing -1) A particularly nasty ferret poof in
front of guests. 2) A poopie made before the litter box is put
down.
Vacation* - A day when someone else picks up the poopie
and cleans the litter box.
War Dance - A sideways hopping dance done by a very excited
and happy ferret.
Water Weasel* - A ferret that plays in the water dish.
Ways & Means Committee* - When more than one ferret
checks out the degree of ferret-proofing in a residence.
Wayward Weasel - A lost ferret.
Web Master* - A ferret that has a grip on the webbing between
the thumb and the first finger.
Wipe Out* - What happens when your ferret leaves the litter
box after leaving a poopie.
Yikes* - A word that is preferable to the one usually said
when stepping in ferret poopie.
Zoomobile* - A car full of ferrets.
The following poem was omitted because
the author was unknown and couldn't be located. It would have been
perfect in the section where adopting shelter ferrets is
emphasized.
The Meaning of Rescue
Now that I'm all home, bathed, settled and
fed,
All nicely tucked in my warm new bed,
I'd like to open my baggage lest I forget,
There is so much to carry, so much to regret.
Hmmmm. Yes, there it is right on the top,
Let's unpack Loneliness, Heartache and Loss,
And there by my leash hides Fear and Shame,
As I look on these things I tried so hard to leave,
I still have to unpack my baggage called Pain.
I loved them, the others, the ones who left me,
But I wasn't good enough; for they didn't want me.
Will you add to my baggage?
Will you help me unpack?
Or will you just look at my things and take me right back?
Do you have the time to help me unpack?
To put away my baggage,
To never repack?
I pray that you do; I'm so tired, you see.
But I do come with baggage, will you still want me?
---Unknown
Of course, many of you know this one, but
it was omitted from my "Saying Goodbye" chapter because of
copyright issues.
RAINBOW
BRIDGE
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone
here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and
hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play
together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and all
our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had
been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were
hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember
them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are
happy and content, except for one small thing; They each miss
someone very special to them, who had to be left behind. They all
run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops
and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager
body begins to quiver. Suddenly he begins to run from the group,
flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and
faster. You have been spotted, and when you and your special
friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never
to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your
hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into
the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life, but
never absent from your heart. Then you cross Rainbow Bridge
together.
Author Unknown
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